The Stimulating Sexulus Package

While Economy Goes Horribly Frigid, Economic Viagra Is On the Way!

After emerging sweaty from desperate Congress behind many closed doors and drawn curtains, Pres. Obama, allegedly smoking a cigarette, made good on his promise to change the world by forcibly enacting the most sweeping, penetrating spending bill in all human history. "This bill will give birth to a new era of economic opportunity. We aim to stimulate the flacid, weak economy the Bush administration left us by vigorous, energetic, and hard-hitting spending programs that will simply make your head spin," he announced.

In the same month, Congressional leaders, Pelosi, Rangel, and Reid emerged laughing giddily and hysterically from simular private sessions where Republicans were strangely excluded from, to announce another spending bill, the Omnibus Bill, replete with over 9,000 earmarks, designed to drive the economy into a "frenzied, rapturous feelings of prosperity and afterglows of security and well-being," according to Rep. Pelosi (D-CA.)

Dour, puritanical Republican congressmen tried to throw cold water on the bacchanalian festivities and euphoric feelings the 3 TRILLION dollar debt- the most gargantuan spending in debt in all history, by not participating in the orgy of spending and not voting for the two bills. "The pleasure will be but momentary, the economic position is ridiculous, and the expense is utterly damnable," crowed Rep.Boehner(Rep-OH.)

Meanwhile, Obama economic czars commiserated for ways to further stimulate the dysfuntional economy, while porn industry leaders met with them to discuss ideas for stimulating the economy, while begging for hand-outs to prop up their flagging multi-trillion dollar industry- a large part of the growth in the US economy in the last decade. "Porn star families are suffering," said industry leader, hero and patriot Larry Flynt, who met with Obama advisors. "We can no longer afford to outsource these jobs to places like Thailand and Romania. This is a national tragedy and a disaster, not only for the largest growth sector in the American economy, but for our national culture." National Endowment for the Arts chairperson, Patrice Walker Powell, met with Flynt later in the week behind closed doors to discuss the bail-out of the porn industry.

Meanwhile, Obama economic czars, Volker and Reich, met with California lawmakers to discuss creating taxes on things such as the selling of virginity, as 22-year old California resident, Natalie Dylan recently did for 3.2 million dollars. "Economists have long understood that enormous potential for revenue exists by so-called 'sin taxes,' an archaic term for sure for a secular state, but nonetheless," Reich offered. Other Hollywood film industry leaders, porn leaders and Obama economic wizards met to discuss how both a stimulation of sexual activity, and a tax on such activity, might help resolve a fraction of the debt being run up by the various spending, bail-out, and social engineering projects the Obama administration has promised in oder to complet his campaign promise to a young, idealistic, hopeful constuency to "rock your world."

Atheists Cruelly Persecuted Across The Nation at Christmas

Here's a Lump of Lump in Your Little Religulous Reich Red Stocking

As if the extreme stress, the inhuman humiliation, and the violent hatred rationalist freethinkers (AKA atheists) suffer at this time of the year by cruel insensitive people blurting out, "Merry Christmas," or "Happy Holiday," or family members expecting presents wasn't enough. Last week, a small group of oppressed atheists in Washington state decided to lash back at their oppresors by excercisng their Constitutional right to joyfully express their belief in non-belief, and put up a sign at the Washington State Capitol Building last week expressing their faith in unfaith. But then, somebody with no Christmas spirit stole it and violently threw into a ditch! The atheists were emotionally crushed at seeing their Christmas sign so treated with disrespect, that now a new, more militant group has formed.

"This vicious act of intolerance by hateful fundie believers against believers of unbelief is the drop that finally broke the camel's back," begins the initial comunique of a new group of non-believing militants, Atheist Resistance to State Enforcement of Hate And Theology who has declared war, not just on Christmas, but on all religious imposition by the state and violations of the First Amendment. The spokesman for the militant group, Stanley Hircismus, 24, stated its objectives. "We are organizing at this moment to enforce the Constitution's 1st Amendment guarantee against the state establishing religions, by demanding that we get rid of every single reference to any sort non-material entities by any and all state entities."

"The obvious ones are the holidays - Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, MLK Day - they all must go. No longer must U.S. secular citizens have to put up with them, nor with bigotted, atheophobic jokes about not wanting to be an atheist because they have no holidays. Ha. Ha. Ha. Very funny. But guess what smart ass? Even the word "holiday" (Meaning "holy day,") must go." The group suggests that they will be called "vacation days," and we will hence take a holiday from all holidays.

The group is also vehemently protesting the calendar, starting with the days of the week. Hircismus clarified, "Some of our atheist brethren may object by claiming the days are named after a favorite topic of rational, scientific people - the physical bodies in space- yea, we love planets and stuff, especially the moons, but further scientific research reveals that the planets were really named after Roman, German, and Nordic gods! While we reserve very special disdain for Christianity," Hircismus continued while making a disdainful face, "even pagan deities should not be exempted. A good scientific atheistic way to name the days would be to simply number them. For example, 'Monday' then becomes, 'One.' Simple. Logical. Nobody gets offended."

Hircimus them mentioned another touchy area for secular humanists, freethinkers and rational people - the years. "Why do we have to have a year system based upon a man who was a myth because he supposedly did things that were mythological?" When I mentioned that courageous secular believers have managed to replace the AD-BC system with the more atheist-friendly 'CE' (common era,) Hircismus got visibly irritated. "But the whole damn...ooops, pardon my inadvertent reference to deity...thing stinks! No matter what you call it, it is still based and a mythological person that never existed and never could anyway! We demand the total ovehauling of the Gregorian calendar and that we start counting years with a non-religious figure perhaps." When asked who the group thought would best be fitted for marking a new calendar, Hircimus said, "Barack Obama, of course. He has brought science, hope and light to the world and will save us from our sins...I mean political and economic errors. We can start the new calendar, the new era with his inauguration on Jan.20 - which will become day 1 of month 1 of year 1. The previous time will just be called the Dark Ages and left at that."

Next, says the group, the days of the month are highly offensive and horrifically destructive of their Constitutional rights as believers in unbelief. "The first eight refer directly to old Roman deities, the last for are Latin names for "tenth" and so on. We say name them all according to their numbers. This is creative as well as easy to grasp. It takes atheistic minds set free from the shackles of belief to come up with such innovative thinking," Hircismus stated.

The group claims that many U.S. geographical locations oppress, insult, humiliate and deeply offend atheists such as - San Francisco. Hicismus became animated in our interview. "Can you imagine? The very seat of atheism in the U.S. and they dare name it after a saint?" Others places the group demands must immdiately be changed - Los Angeles, San Diego, Sacramento, Corpus Christi, St. Louis, San Antonio, Maryland, Virginia, St. Paul, ETC., ETC. Other suspicious ones like Phoenix, Atlanta, and Seattle should go too- better to be safe than sorry. Their spokesman added, "However, we have listed some new, approved, and exciting names that will not make atheists victims of state religion. They are Constitutionally-comliant, and honor some great non-religious people - Darwinburgh, Marxville, Leninton, Nietzscheland, Sartre City - there are many wonderful, non-offensive options!"

"The intolerance and fascist revoking of our Constitutional rights to not have religion shoved down our gullets cannot just stop there," the group's resistance comunique states, "As the Atheist Civil Liberties Union is litigating for this year, we demand an end to the Pledge of Allegiance for it's illegal refernce to deity. All swearing on Bibles - out! Out damned spot! "In God we Trust" - Oh no we don't! It must be immediately removed from all money. That religious crap on the Supreme Court building, and all national monuments must be immediately sandblasted into oblivion. Any institution receiving federal of state funds cannot ever, ever eve mention the vile word,"god" on its premises. And since we know Jefferson was really an atheist, we also know that the reference to deity in the Declaration of Independence was a later interpolation by devious Xians. It must be obliterated. The very document announcing our freedom deprives us of our freedom to be free of religion!Imagine!"

So, while you will not be getting any sappy "Merry Christmas," or "Season's Greetings," or absurdly laughable "Happy Holidays," out of either this group, or Bill Mahers, Chris Hitchens, Richard Dawkins, myself, as well as any other highly intelligent specimen of human existence, we will however, be willing to extend to you, our faithful readership, a heartfelt and totally secular...

,"Merry Fourth Quarter Events, and a Happy Fiscal New Year!!!!""

Would You Let Hitler Pray At Your Inauguration Ceremony?

Don't Let the Goofy Hawaiian Shirt Fool You!

One of the most incredibly outrageous and worrisome acts by a sitting Pres.-elect has just been announced today by Obama. We refer to the horrific and unfathomably wrong invitation by Pres.-elect of Saddleback Church pastor Rick Warren to give the opening prayer at his inauguration ceremony.

Although we tolerant progressives understand that he was elected to end the old politics of divisiveness and to unify the country, not based upon imaginary shared values or ideology, but rather based upon his amazing persona, even an extreme right-winger like Chris Hitchens agrees with the mighty uproar righteous indignation of the Progressive community on this one - Pres.-elect Obama has gone way too far on the inclusiveness bit. Rick Warren epitomizes the very heart of hatred, intolerance and evil.

Dr. Julian Bond, chair of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, declared recently in a speech that gay marriage a civil rights issue, just like rights for blacks. “African Americans, were the only Americans who were enslaved for two centuries, but we were far from the only Americans suffering discrimination then and now,” Bond said. “Sexual disposition parallels race. I was born this way. I have no choice. I wouldn’t change it if I could. Sexuality is unchangeable.”

Since denying gays marriage is like racism, logically, what Warren does is far worse it defies the mind! Even the Grand Dragon of the KKK would not be so hateful as to deny blacks the right to marry each other, would they? No! Not even Hitler would have even thought of denying Jews the right to marry each other, would he? He wouldn't have dreamed of it! But what Rick Warren and other evangelicals or orthodox believers do is so much more bigotted, discriminatory and inhumane than even the KKK or the Nazis!

But what has the progressive forces of tolerance and understanding in violent uproar is that the harbinger and torch-bearer of hope and change dares to invite him to...pray at his inauguration! My shock and dismay stuns me into utter silence...well, almost. Do not let the Hawaiian shirts and deceivingly open friendly look of this man delude you. If some being named Satan actually existed, and we know he doesn't, then Warren would be the embodiment of this supposed Beezlebub. If evil really existed, and of course it doesn't, then Rick Warren and Christians like him would be the very embodiment of evil and everything that is wrong with the planet. There is a limit to the tolerance of we tolerant progressives, and that limit has to be when the intolerance towards tolerance reaches intolerable levels of intolerance, then we must stand up and not tolerate the vile hateful intolerance of those who cloak their intolerance in the vocabulary of tolerance.

Is Rep. Barney Frank…^gulp^… god?

Or is the Anti-Christ a Gay?

As a Progressive militant since my 60’s youth, I have prayed to the gods of revolutionary class struggle for the ultimate demise of capitalism. Although I am a religiously fervent atheist, one must truly bow down and worship at the feet of this man, Rep. Barney Frank (D-MA). He must either be a secret a six-degree level master of something, or a supreme avatar of a higher civilization sent to mercifully rescue us from slavery of capitalism, as well as from the evil Christo-fascists and right-wing Americanists. Whoever he is, whatever planet he hails from, there seems to be a devilish super-intelligent mind working in and through him. The Force, even the dark side, is surely with him. Here is why.

Rep. Frank (D-MA) has a long-term concern for the poor and disenfranchised, and commitment to provide housing, and job opportunities, especially if they are poor, hot, young, disenfranchised males with ads in the back of Gay publications. As the minority, and now the majority chairman of the House Ways and Means committee, Barney and friends are largely responsible for the establishment of the policies that introduced government-sponsored and protected loans, forcing evil, greedy capitalist banks to give loans to oppressed minorities and disenfranchised home buyers, subverting the cruel free market in a glorious, humane way. By “friends,” I especially refer to another hot, young, gay male, this time Herb Moses, who not only had a key position at Fannie Mae (no homophobic pun intended), as well as a key interest in assuring that risky, non-solvent loans continued to be forced upon loan institutions and protected by interventionist policies, but he shared various positions, many times, with the Rep. Frank...in his bed...for several years...during the heat of the build-up of the crisis. No conflict of interest was involved, both men assert. “This is just about hot, steamy gay sex, that's all,” Frank assured his concerned but very, very, very tolerant constituents, not to speak of few pathetic homophobic Republican watchdogs. Many have focused on the policies that Rep. Frank promoted and protected as the chief cause of the current financial meltdown that our glorious comrades at the Washington Post signaled as “the end of capitalism.”

But here is where the sheer fabulous genius of the modern Progressive political discourse, as well as our MSM agents, and a true maestro like Barney Frank really starts to shine. When Republicans sensed the danger to their little oppressive free market system and sought to reform it, Rep. Frank violently opposed them and repeatedly blocked the efforts to regulate Fannie Mae, opting to not only protect Fannie Mae, but his own fanny, not to speak of that other fanny he knew so well seated at a desk in the higher echelons of Fannie Mae. He had the amazing braggadacio to say in Sept. of 2003, "'These two entities -- Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac -- are not facing any kind of financial crisis. The more people exaggerate these problems, the more pressure there is on these companies, the less we will see in terms of affordable housing.'' Yet, amazingly, he did not stop there. With the temerity of audacity, Frank turns and, blames capitalism and racism! Yes! It's true! The one who put the knife into the heart of the capitalist beast, blames the punctured, hemorrhaging heart for the death of the patient, rather than the knife and its wielder! Has there ever been such a Hannibal Lecter, some one so deliciously wicked, with a plan so brilliantly, deviously devised to subvert the powers of the bourgeoisie than this? Marx is obsolete! Yes! We do not need violent, bloody revolutions. We need more Barney Franks!

America, a new world is here! Capitalism is dead. The workers paradise, the classless society is starting. There is simply something ethereally orgasmic about watching the previous kingpins of our capitalist system lining up, quivering and cowering to see Reps. Barney Frank and Nancy Pelosi, as if they were two glorious dominatrixes all dressed in studded leather, fearful whips in hand, sitting imperiously upon their regal dais, looking down scornfully upon the once-great captains of American industry and finance, who now grovel with their pitiful, beaten, hang-dog looks, tremulously shaking their awful, pathetic, little, tin cups. Has there ever been something so delectibly ironic? I must wipe away my tears.

Just as heterosexuality is now seen as oppressive and passé, so is earth-killing capitalism. While gayness is today celebrated as a beautiful, earth-friendly, alternative lifestyle, so socialism is now seen as an alternative economic theory. Change! Americans, you voted for Change. Who would have thought that a guy named "Barney" with a pnchant for young male fannies would have been the agent. It only could be if he were the Anti-Christ himself.

Old, capitalist, bellicose, arrogant America - "Man up!" New, socialist, progressive, world-friendly America - "Fanny up!"

Foul Winds Invade Our Capitol - American Voters!

Sen. Reid Airs Concerns

Like a breath of fresh air, Senate majority leader Sen. Reid (D-Nev.), yesterday, in his famously quiet but deadly spot-on way, expressed what many legislators on Capitol Hill secretly think and comment amongst themsleves- that Americans truly are disgusting, smelly, vile, gas-passing creatures who they wish would just go away so they can pass laws in peace and quiet in their air-conditioned back rooms and Congressional chambers. In his remarks before a stuporous, benighted, nervously giggling audience, Sen. Reid complained about voters visiting the Capitol building because "in the summer because of the heat and high humidity, you could literally smell the tourists coming into the Capitol. It may be descriptive but it’s true.”

The Senator from the land of legalized prostitution and gambling, always with a sensitive nose for things that harm Americans' public image and quality of life, has been previously noted for letting fly torpedoes of controversy by saying we lost the war in Iraq while our soldiers were engaged in battle, that the surge was a failure, our battlefield commander a liar, and the President "a loser," that the coal and fossil fuel industries are killing Americans, and we need higher prices on energy to force Americans into more austere lifestyles and into alternative resources.

When asked for a clarification of his comments, Sen. Reid's pungeant poignancy was sharply evident, "American voters have consistently given my Congress and leadership single digit approval ratings. The unwashed masses and their flyover, middle class values and ignorant dependency on an old America that doesn't exist constistently interferes with our ability to remake and reshape America into the country it needs to become."

While some, like right-wingnut comedian, Dennis Miller, might arrogantly suggest that the horrific odors Reid perceives wafting into his plush Congressional lunch room is not from the summer crowds of sweaty, patriotic American tourists getting herded through the building, rather from the upper lip of his "ashen piehole," that "haltingly forces out that tremulous pale-grey oratory that sounds like it's oozing from a stuck caulking gun," this is really just another example of the right's rhetoric of hatred, as well as disrespect for our duly elected leaders. Off-air, Miller later clarified, "The smell really comes from where his head is so firmly planted. Hey, that might be descriptive, but it's true."

We deeply thank the good people of Nevada (like the one to the right,) for their humilty in continuously electing a leader and representative that understands their abject unworthiness, and who honestly warns them of the stench of their clamoring for balanced budgets, integrity in office, and non-partisan fairness. The presence of Sen. Reid on Capitol Hill, assures that they will continue to have some one that will work tirelessly for them, spending unfathomable amounts of money on amazing and wonderful programs, but only as long as they keep a safe distance.

And he won't even sweat while doing it.

Let's Talk Some Serious Turkey

Stop The Terrorism!!!

I realize that many of your heartless stomachs and intestines are at this very moment criminally involved with using gastric juices in an attempt to erase the incriminating evidence by dissolving masticated chunks of this magnificent avian for bodily use. Others are just trying to assimilate the recent events going on in India. I know this will be hard to digest, but for progressive people, there is an even more severe terrorism than that in India that is going on right under our noses - Thanksgiving. It must stop! There are so many things about this bird-brained holiday that really sticks in my gizzard and just makes me want to hurl whirrled peas!

First, this is genocide. The heartless incarceration, mistreatment, wholesale trafficking and cruel slaughter of these innocent birds is a crime against humanity. WTF? - you say? Carl Sagan and many scientists have documented the interelatedness of all animals including humans. The shocking evidence in the photos above incontrovertibly prove the point. Sagan documents how human behavior is really just the result of past animal behavior codified and programmed into the genes. We can all certainly see that and so it needs no further explanation. In many ways the slaughter on Thanksgiving can be likened to the greatest exhibition of mass cannibalism in human history. The terrorism must stop now!

Second, this is an insult and a foreign diplomacy gaff of gargantuan proportions. Just when we need to make friends with Muslim nations and desist in insulting them and hence provoking them into a maelstrom of nuclear nightmare that the human race might not survive, we need to respect them, as well as Islam, and not call their countries insulting names. It is terrorism against Muslims! We must immediately move Congress to change the name of the bird to something more politically correct, like "George W. Bush."

Thirdly, the entire shameful Thansgiving affair is a severe breach between the Great Impenetrable Wall between church and state, and a gross affront to the Constitution. It is criminally offensive to have this atrocious violation of church and state, when to think that it has taken enough secular lawyers and legislators to populate a snmall European country, as well as many years to carefully plan, construct and maintain this wall, not to speak of the gazillions spent in litigation to defend our right to not have even the slightest suggestion of deity ever appear before our highly educated, and refined secularist sensibilities in the public square. The public square belongs to all, but especially to us atheists. Get use to it. It's the Constitution, baby.

This holiday along with many others, simply needs to be brought into compliance with the Constitution, which although is severely flawed, nevertheless in this case it needs to be upheld, by abolishing all these Christianist holidays. See how infiltrated we are with theocratic violations of our rights? Even the word "holiday" needs to be abolished, for it implies something divine, which insults and offends every atheist and tramples upon their rights every time the word is used. After that we can rename all the days of the week which also deeply offends every atheist and mercilessly crushes their rights to never hear any word even remotely associated with divinity while they live in America. For we people of unfaith, people who believe in ghosts and omnipotent, omnipresent spirits are frightening, scary, and horrifying. It is intolerant and hateful to force us to even think bout it. It is terrorism and must stop now.

Besides, what's to be thankful about? We are the most racist, imperialist, violent, dangerous terrorist nation ever to have existed in human history. The U.S is no longer what it could be and I don't want my children growing up in that. Of course, I am an unapologetic and proud egosexual to whom just the thought of procreating another foul human being to inhabit this suffering planet with their accompanying imperialisic hegemony against the other weaker species and animal denizens, just makes me want to choke a turkey. But even if I were thankful for something, who would I thank? I am an atheist! It would be embarrassing, humiliating, confusing. The whole thing just causes terrible, unimaginable anguish and stress for we atheists. It is emotional terrorism!

So yesterday, as I sat in my house all alone eating faux turkey sandwiches, I thought warmly about Ben Franklin, who, instead of the warlike, harsh, scary bald eagle, originally wanted to designate the turkey as the national bird. Since Change has now come finally to America, I think this change would be a symbolic gesture of honor to the new Change, the new leadership, the new image we have as Americans.

On Turkey Day, we think of and honor all the innocent avians who were cruelly imprisoned and heartlessly butchered for the delight of imperialist Americans, thoughtless Christianists, and carbon-wasting carnivores. We weep with all those turkeys wo suffered. We stand in solidarity with them. On this day, we all are turkeys!

Al-Qaida No. 2 Softens Image, Tries SNL Approach

Zawahri Reportedly Negotiating For News Anchor Job on MSNBC or as Possible Stand-In for Stephen Colbert

Ayam al-Zawahri, Al-Qaeda's No. 2 man, this week sent a message that left many wondering whether a change is happening inside Al Qaeda. In the message, al-Zawahri said, "America has put on a new face, but its heart full of hate, mind drowning in greed and spirit which spreads evil, murder, repression and despotism continue to be the same as always." He then used a slur, calling Pres.-elect Obama, as well as Colin Powell and Condi Rice, "house negroes," a term used by Obama hero, Malcolm X, whose footage was interspersed throughout the unique, cryptic ramblings, meant to refer to a black who was complacently serving his white masters.

The Lumps staff, with our expert panel on Islamic religion and Arabic, has determined that the entire monologue is, in effect, a crude, yet subtle attempt at self-parody, and is more like an imitation of a David Letterman routine than your typical Islamic jihadi mullah rant extolling the glories of genocide. It seems Al Qaeda leadership have shifted their publicity campaign to brilliantly following the old Confucian axiom - "You can catch flies with honey, not with vinegar." Speculation is that Al Qaeda, sensing a paradigm shift in the American political landscape, has accordingly shifted its approach at winning the hearts and minds of Americans. Moving away from using such previous tactics as terrorism, beheadings, insults and mass murder, to convince Americans and westerners to submit to Allah, they are now using self-deprecating humor. Furthermore, we have received direct information that ex- SoCal native, couch potato, and metal rocker turned Al Qaeda terrorist, Adam Gadahn, is advising bin Laden and Ayam on American culture and the use of snarky humor to influence and promote the Al Qaeda agenda to the American public. The change signals a more pragmatic approach to jihad, mercifully hoping that 300 million Americans will be convinced to willingly submit to Allah, instead of having to be evaporated in a nuclear holocaust, which would be a tragic financial loss considering the zizziya tax required by the Quran on subjugated kaffirs.

Evidence shows that Osama bin Laden's trend towards a more humanized, even Americanized approach to jihad has perhaps been developing for more time than most western experts had previously suspected. Recently, Kola Boof, 37, the Sudanese poet and novelist who claims to have once been bin Laden's sex slave, writes in her autobiography, Diary of a Lost Girl, which is excerpted in the September Harper's: "He told me Whitney Houston was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen." Boof - who wrote for the soap opera "The Days of Our Lives" until she was axed last month - continues, "He said that he had a paramount desire for [Houston] and although he claimed music was evil, he spoke of someday spending vast amounts of money to go to America and try to arrange a meeting." So in other words, it seems in contrast to Zawahri's attempt at winning the American public through satire and wit, bin Laden's strategy is even more well-known to the US public - bedding a famous celebrity and then getting a fawning interview on the View or The National Enquirer, and perhaps a good seat at the Oscars or Grammies.

While we on the Left have always vehemently asserted that the supposed danger of Al Qaeda has been wildly exagerrated by the Rovian neo-con conspiratorialists in Washington DC, and that some of Al Qaeda's arguments are actually quite well-reasoned and worth considering, this welcome news of a newer humane and comedic jihadi approach is confirmation of our previous perceptions - that these jihadists are not the dangerous, insane, fanatically violent threats to humanity as the neocon Bushies have made them out to be. They are much like we are.

As for us at Lumps from the Left, we say, "Yo, you rock Ayam!" Give us more!